Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.
– Ron Swanson
The Urge to Create
Over the past several days, I have had this urge to simply create. My first thought was to delve into my work, so I set up a new developing environment on my computer, and set it up in a pristine manner. I spared no extravagance. My digital tool shed was stocked over the course of an entire day. Then I sat down at my desk and I could create absolutely nothing. I could not think of anything to program.
I quickly opened up a game called Minecraft, which has the sole purpose of starting with nothing and creating an entire world from it. Again, I was plagued with nothingness.
Still, I had this yearning. So I decided that I would rely on an old past time and write a story or a monologue or a creative writing piece. I once again began work on my writing environment. I cleared the back porch and wiped off the table. I brought out a bucket of pens of assorted colors and a ream of paper in the event that I wrote a complete novel. Then, nothing. I could not think of a single word to say. I was stubborn, just write words. So I did. I wrote:
If there was ever a thought that maintained its weight, it would be that of the burden laid by other’s expectations.
Then back to nothingness.
She says
Spent some time going back through some posts and found this one especially powerful
She asks me to tell her shes not crazy.
She asks me to tell her itll be ok
She knows that I know it wont be
But she asks me to say it anyway
She asks me to try and pretend
She asks me to fake a tear
She knows that I know its the end
And she listens but she wont hear.
And the truth is that I will stay
Sit right beside my biggest lie
Just because she knows what to say
to keep me from passing right by
She asks me to hold her tight
She asks me to never let go
She knows that I know I leave tonight
But she cries that it isnt so
She asks me over the telephone
She asks me every other night
She knows that I know shes alone
But I know that it feels right
She asks me if…
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Character
I spent a large portion of my younger years battling him. As a stubborn teenager, we fought daily. I never felt like I needed the lectures. I convinced myself that he simply did not understand me. As I grew older and moved out, visiting my parents became more sporadic. Months would pass with only a phone call or a text connecting the trips. However with every encounter, my naivety gave way to a budding appreciation for words I had long since swore off. His wisdom became more and more pertinent and began to seep more and more into my life. “Character”, he would lecture, “is the most important asset a person can have.” He was and continues to be correct. Character is the currency of the adult life. It is the only facet of my adult life that continues to appreciate in value. Without him, it may have been merely an overlooked quality, cast into the same category as popularity and intelligence. He preached character above all else. Today is my father’s birthday and there is not a man I have ever met that resonates character more than him.
Trapped
Trapped. Between other’s expectations and my own. A launch’s success is determined by who is measuring it. By the expectations set for it. To refuse to push the button is to deny it’s very purpose. The dust will grow along with the doubt of the button causing the launch at all. Maybe with enough rescheduled dates, a few extended count downs the crowd will thin enough to push it. Until then, I sit reviewing the original plans. The original expectations. The dots were easier to connect then. Dreams were quite malleable then. But how much input can a dream consume before it is not your dream anymore? How much can be compromised before it is unrecognized. Unforgiving. Before I am trapped beneath it. With the button.
Shortcuts?
Stop taking shortcuts in life.
I have heard that accusation my entire life and it always stung a little yet, I struggled with a reason. As I have gotten older, I have begun to attain a greater understanding of this discomfort. How are there shortcuts when others only can assume where they are going? Moreover, how could they possibly advice me where I am going? There is a path, by which I am promised, that by merely following it, I am given happiness and a sound, deep, sleep every night. How? I am only given “Trust Me.” How is following the path of others any less of a shortcut? I am surrounded by struggle. No, not to eat. I am fortunate to worry about something else entirely.
I have spent a significant amount of time reading and studying the lives of those who I consider to be role models. I have figured that if I were to follow in the footsteps of others, it might as well be those who I admired. However, it would seem that they chose (in true cliche form) the path less chosen. If anything, they led and are leading lives that were not meant to be followed. They were an inspiration to lead. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out what I want from life. I want to live a life that inspires leaders. I want to live a life that inspires others to teach that our lives are tragically unique, yet positively vital. I want to live a life that demonstrates not only the importance of those that supported me, but of those that did not. So far, I have yet to find a shortcut to accomplish such a life.
Be Stubborn
Disclaimer: Rant
Whenever I do not post in a while, I am contacted by a few of the few people that read my blog in concern. I usually write when I am not content. Please do not draw any correlation between my level of content to my general happiness. In order to get back on topic, I will say that I am quite happy. I am extremely fortunate and often am able to see a positive result of my hard work and determination. When asked during interviews to describe myself I often do so to the tune of “I am passionately happy but never content.” I see being content as being satisfied with my current achievements and place in life. I suppose there is some benefit to achieving life, but I have often found it to be more motivating to always set a higher standard for myself.
I am going to continue to type and try to explain what I am saying and hopefully you, as the determined and avid reader, will attain some sort of clarity. Peers and Coworkers who are unhappy often attribute happiness to successes or things. The issue is that even with our best effort, we fail and/or lose something (or everything). There will always be a time you succeeded more or had more. Attaching your happiness to those standards has removed yourself from being in control of your happiness. You have given control to any number of external events. You also become very susceptible to the blame game. You blame the rain for your bad day, for example. These accusations compile into a mess until a minor annoyance morphs into an insurmountable obstacle. This is the “wrong side of the bed” excuse. I am guilty. I have blamed my bad day on being out of milk for my cereal.
So how do you attain happiness? What a loaded question. I am no Gandhi. But I can give you a few things that have helped me along the way. First have a well thought out answer to this question: what do you want? In order to do this, we may have to change the question a bit. What outcome would we like to see? Then put your answer through the ringer. Why would you want this outcome? What does it take to get there? Who do I need in order to achieve that outcome? You will need someone. Its hard to be happy when you are lonely and its hard to enjoy it by yourself. Can this help you get closer to any other outcome you would like to see? Once you have a clear thought out answer, go tell someone. This can help for a number of reasons, but for me it was always accountability. For others it may be just be for added clarity. Then, take the first step. It sounds easy but it never has been for me. I find that it is the biggest barrier. Simply start. Start today, if you can.
Ok, back to the point. Being content is dangerous. I once advised someone to never strive to be content. We are all a living, evolving, pile of potential. We can always be better and do more than we give ourself credit. Be better. I have often been advised that to unlock our potential we must first accept who we are. What a load. We do not have to accept anything. Be stubborn. I have found that by the time someone “discovers” where he or she is and accepts it, he or she is upset about what was already missed. Second, I have found that we as humans are really horrible at gauging who we are. We either drastically overshoot ourselves or sell ourselves short. Neither one is beneficial. Never strive accept who you are. No one would ever tell you to strive to settle.
/rant
After 25
I recently “celebrated” my 25th birthday. I put that in quotes because the birthday was more jarring than celebrated. Maybe its because my parents had accomplished so much by that age, but I spent a lot of time on my birthday reflecting on my accomplishments and, possibly more important, where I was going. How am I to measure my path and where does it align with what I consider a successful life? How do I define success? The more I really dug into these questions, the more I realized I did not have a clue.
I believe it is extremely easy to coast in this life or at least I find it easy to do so. I am fortunate to be surrounded by successful people that are constantly regurgitating statements prefixed by “to be successful do {insert nugget of wisdom}.” If I just stuck to the plan, I had nothing to worry about. Maybe I am just a spoiled and naive person, but despite all of this advice, I felt an overwhelming sense of numbness.
I recently watched a video of Steve Jobs giving his commencement speech to Stanford. I realize Mr. Jobs was by no means a perfect role model, but the speech is well worth at the very least a listen.
“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.”
– Steve Jobs (2005)
Hearing this gave a cliche meaning to me. If I died today, would I be satisfied with where I am? I know it is a bit silly since I am only 25 years of age but it gave me that marker I was looking for. Since my answer was no, it forced me to consider what I was missing and it gave me a snapshot of what was important to me.
I then found people that had achieved my recently defined success. I blame my dad, but I never idolized movie stars or athletes. On the way to school we never listened to children’s books or kids bop music. I grew up listening to “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” or similar self help audio books. Sure he would give me vocabulary tests, but they weren’t quite applicable to school or really any part of my life as a child. What was I to do with this new found meaning of the word “asset” or the difference between net vs. gross income? This is how I was raised. When I approached my dad for supplies to start a lemonade stand, he quickly asked for my business plan. I could not have been any older than 9. Even then, he expected me to able to calculate the cost of a glass of lemonade stand that would be to return a profit and be able to forecast when I would be able to repay him for his initial investment. As I grew older and heard some of my friends talk about their childhood business endeavors, I realized how unique if not bizarre mine were. As a consequence, I became obsessed with people who were able to figure out this game of making money. These were/are my idols. It is hard to find posters of these people, so I would buy their books.
Back to the point, I went through my idols and their works and tried to summarize things that I could emulate to try and recreate their success in my life. This effort will no doubt be ongoing but here is what I have come up with thus far:
- Read. Every person I idolized had a distinct passion for reading. They found that the subject matter was not particularly relevant, but more so that they were reading.
- Write. Every day or as often as you physically can stand it. Jason Fried even goes as far as saying it is the most important thing a person can do to be successful.
- Community. I always had this fantasy of locking myself in the basement with a bunch of books and then coming out a year later a genius that everyone adored and admired. Life does not work this way and should not be romanticized as such. Only liars claim that they made it on their own. Behind every successful person is a community of support that he or she has invested in greatly. I recently read an article that says that loneliness can be as harmful as smoking. Simply put, people are important.
- Money. My father tells me it seems every day “it’s not about how much money you make, it’s about how much money you keep.” As easy as it is to get on the bandwagon that money isn’t everything, money is still extremely important. The failed attempts of my idols were often as a result of forgetting about money. People often equate money with power and that holds true to a large extent. I prefer the notion that money is freedom.
The list goes on (Passion, “Give a Crap”, Time Management, Have a Plan) but for now I am going to focus on these few things. I know that I have previously used this blog to house my mediocre poetry and ramblings about nothing, but I now wish to dedicate it to document this new direction in my life. My hope is that you, the reader, will gain something out of it as well as keep me accountable.
Mindsets
There are two types of dreams that hinder progress.
The first thought is the hermit in the cabin mindset. I have often thought that if I could lock myself away in a cabin for an extended amount of time, then I would emerge with something brilliant. I would have time to write a novel, or a movie. There are stories of authors locking themselves away and emerging with their masterpiece or the musician who found a guitar and locked himself or herself away until they magically had a number one hit.
This may have happened, but it is definitely the exception. Progress is messy. I have found that, at least with me, that my so called brilliant moments are the result of being immersed in my environment and all of the chaos that it brings. It always has come when I’m busy and can’t find a pen. It’s never convenient or when I am somehow at one with my surroundings.
The second idea is the lottery mindset. It is the question that we are all asked, what would you ask for if you could have it right now. If there were no limits what would you do? It is why the lottery is so successful. People are gambling so they can skip the hard part.
But the hard part is what makes all of those things you want worth it. The truth is that there is no short cut. It may take months or even years to get what you want. You will have to work for it. But we continually wait for just the chance that we have that golden ticket to success. We think we are special and the rules don’t apply to us.
If you want to be successful, you have to start now. You have to do it amongst the chaos and you will have to take the beaten path.
I have been fortunate enough to know a special breed of wealthy people: those that weren’t always wealthy. I used to ask them how they got to where they were as if I were to uncover some secret. There was no secret. They almost always answered “I had to work hard. Very hard.” I have started to accept that. It’s simply time to work hard.
Anomalies
I am currently writing this post from a hospital bed. About 40 mins ago I was involved in a major car accident where I hydroplanes and wrapped my car around a concrete block under a bridge.
If you were to look at my car from the outside, it would look completely destroyed – like it had been crushed in a junk yard. But if you were to look at the driver side, there was a perfect spot for my body. Not just any body. Mine. The foot petals were ripped off and the area above the head rest was crushed. If I were any other size but my own, I probably would not have made it. It was an anomaly.
I have come across quite a few anomalies in my life. From the moment I was born, the doctors warned my parents that I wouldn’t live much longer. Since then I’ve undergone life threatening surgeries and been involved in two serious car accidents. I have a long list of events that “just work out.”
I could have died today. And that would have been it. But I am fine. Only a few scratches where I punched a window trying to get out of my car. The paramedics, firefighters, doctors and police just looked at my car and then looked at me in complete silence and shock as if they were looking at a ghost.
So here I am in a hospital bed. My mind is not racing. The paramedics said my heart rate was never elevated. After all that has happened, the only thing I could process is that I have to live a life of purpose. Life is too short to be lead by the wishes and whims of others. It has always seemed selfish, but I have realized that I have to think of myself and my passions. I do not want my last fleeting thought to be whether or not I have pleased others or that they were pleased with me. It should be a question of whether or not I lived a purposeful life. I want to be able to say that I tried and at times over reached and other times I fell short. But most importantly I want to say that I didn’t hold back. That I pursued life with a sense of vigor. Steve Jobs once said “death is very likely the single best invention of life”. Today I can truly appreciate the truth behind that
My Sandbox 