Before You Pray Over Me
My family traveled to Panama City Beach this past year to celebrate New Year’s Eve. The trip was fun as usual and went according to plan until we went into a local store to get a pair of sun glasses. The guy who helped me pick out my sun glasses was extremely helpful and was just recently hired to be a youth pastor in Penn. Every one congratulated him… everyone except me. It was not that I was not grateful for his job; I was. I just knew the inevitable was coming. Sure enough before I could get the receipt from his hands he asked if he could pray over me.
Before I continue, let me first state that I completely believe in the power of prayer. I have seen first hand what it can do and am by no means trying to discredit it. Ok, Let’s continue.
I responded by simply asking why me? He said because of my condition and that he believes in the power of healing. My sister could see my wheels turning (the ones in my mind. My chair was still) and quickly responded “sure”. He said his 5 minute prayer in which he used the word “afflicted” more times than could be found in a medical dictionary. My sister then drug me out of the store before I could get a word out.
I get prayed over about once ever 3 months. Please get your calculators out and add up all the times that you have been prayed over. Go ahead. I will wait. One? Two?
Why the discrepancy? As I left the store my sister immediately looked at me and wondered why he didn’t mention her in the prayer. She had issues. She had even been dealing with a cold and had been coughing and sneezing while she was shopping. Wouldn’t she benefit from the power of prayer as well?
I do not mind the prayer. Everyone needs that to some extent. However, they were simply praying for me because they could see my wheelchair. They assumed I was sick. To me, it is no different from being short or being double jointed. Being in a wheelchair has given me perspective, not a suite at the local hospital.
I could get into the religious side of this debate where we could delve into God’s perfect design but I simply only want to focus on one thought. Before you pray over me, answer me this: why me? Then look at the people around me. Why me instead of them?
Optimism
I have a friend who is frequently accused of being overly optimistic. He is accused of having too big of a heart. Quite frankly, I did not think that was possible, but what I did discover was that it is an incredibly contagious personality. I know there are bad people out there and that the worst case scenario happens but I also feel that we don’t allow for the complete opposite enough. There are great people out there. I have met people that have changed my life forever for the better. And yet, we never focus on those people. We focus on people who are trying to cheat us out of a dollar, or people who didn’t treat you with respect. I know this is a bit of a rant, but I think at its core I am saying that the world could use a bit of blind optimism.
The Subjective Nature of Wisdom
I first would like to apologize for not writing here lately. Writing has always been a hobby of mine that I at its very basic level been quite therapeutic. However, I find it quite difficult to put words on paper that make very little sense in my head. My life has made very little sense to me lately. That sounded suicidal so let me rephrase. My direction in life is very hard to explain even to myself. The truth is that I have no idea where I am going, but I have found that where I was going was not for me. I have listened to my peers and family and for years I have tried to follow their wishes with the hope that in the end everything will simply fall into place.
I do not know if you would consider what I have gained wisdom over the years but I have gained something quite valuable. I have learned what I do not want to do. Though many will argue that this is simply a consequence of experiencing life, I would argue that most people are quite content to do the things that I do not. To my friends and family this makes little sense. Some simply brush this off as laziness or immaturity while others go so far as to attribute it to a core character flaw.
Since I was little I have always had this deep fear of death. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that something could stop existing. To a person who fears death, hearing “life is no dress rehearsal” and “you only live once” completely crippled my motivation. I do not know when it happened specifically but something changed. I simply could not accept that this path that had been laid before me was the best way to fully live my life.
That is where I currently find myself; I am so close to where everyone else wants me to be but I am no where near where I feel I want to be. And where is that you ask? According to books, family and friends that is a path of hardship and poverty where only a few make it out on top. Maybe it is my age or maybe my stubborn nature but with every step I take, the more alive I feel. I know its short sighted but I feel that with the support of people, who I know have every doubt in what I am doing, I can accomplish dreams and not simply goals.
I must be me
Its all in good faith and good fun
until we all start to run
and expect the world to follow
and forget for a moment
we risk being alone
These are my whims and wishes
To disappear from others ambitions
for I have bigger dreams
than the shackles of my potential
or so I would like to believe
for those that have questions
I dont have a single intention
of explaining why I must be me
Purpose versus Happiness
I wish for every person that they will find happiness. We are all faced with impossibilities and senseless actions. Our weapon in combatting this is finding purpose in our lives. We need a reason to get out of bed. But I feel that is where we miss our mark. Often, we do not pursue finding a purpose; we pursue happiness. Just as pursuing water would only benefit those that are thirsty, happiness can only benefit those that pursue purpose.
It is 4am and I cannot sleep because I worry that my closest and most incredible friends are unhappy. And in their unhappy state they have still managed to ask me why I am unhappy. I hadnt noticed because I have been able to argue that I was content. I have remained comfortable.
Comfort should have no place in my life. It has a dangerous relationship with settling and makes enemies with purpose. I now have a renewed focus to re light the fire. To take chances. To find purpose. To establish a foundation which fosters happiness so that I do not have to find quick fixes to be happy. To make it contagious so that my friends can do the same.
I wish that for every person that he or she can find happiness
The Influence of A Movie
At some point I got scared. I got scared that this dream I have had since I was a kid, was going to remain a dream. I got scared that I would not live up to my potential. As a coach I try never to tell someone that they have potential. I think its an unnecessary burdon. Its a dream or a future thats passed on to someone that doesn’t have a a clue where you are going to be or what you are going to do. My entire life I have been told I am going to do great things. I have had people say “you are going to run the world one day” and “I expect big things out of you.” I may have done great things, but instead I was so worried about doing them that I forgot to pursue anything. I was so worried about doing the act that would best line up with my potential, that I never sat and asked what I wanted to do.
Please do not misinterpret this as complaining. Despite all of what I just said, I live a great life. I have an unbelievable family. Out of most people I know, my family is the closest to the Leave it to Beaver type of perfection (though my family members reading this would disagree). And my friends are second to none. Seriously, if you do not have my friends, you are settling for second best. I have a job that pays me well more than I am actually worth.
I have just realized today that for years I have been tiptoeing trying so hard not to screw up. And even if I did, I would never make that bold of a decision for it to be detrimental. The issue is I have played it too safe. I have tried to please too many people, and tried to land in a potential that I never asked for. I know I am young, so I simply have to decide to do and act. Make a decision that has major consequences be proud to tell people about it.
All of this came from a B movie at best: Take me home tonight.
Finding Meaning
I coach a Track and Field team who has been struggling with finding meaning as to why they were competing and actually struggling. So, I prepared a little statement for practice on Saturday and I felt the message was pretty universal so I wanted to share it with you.
I have struggled with coaching you in Track. Many of you have asked me why you were here and why any of this is necessary. I struggle because I have always asked myself the same questions even when I competed. I know this seems absurd when it would be easier to drive a car to get somewhere or simply running in a circle endlessly seems absolutely ridiculous. I am telling you all of this not to agree with you or to show any sign that I have seceded at all. I am telling you this as a challenge. I am asking you to find meaning in this sport. I am asking you to make it a part of who you are and be a student of this sport. Study it. Work for it. Pursue it until the time comes where it seems that there is only one thing left to do: conquer it. I am not giving you this challenge because I want every one of you to go on to the Paralympics, although that would be great. I am not telling you this so that you will simply be in shape, although that will also happen. I am challenging you for a far greater purpose. You are young and Track and Field will not be the only thing that you find absurd and meaningless but you will find that they are very much necessary and important. However, if you have learned to find enough meaning in something as simple as Track, you can find meaning in anything. And then you will most certainly conquer it; just as I am sure all of you will do with Track this season.
The Fumble
There is a moment for all of us where we are no longer asked where we are going. We are no longer asked of our intentions and no one speaks of potential unless it is being wasted. This moment is the hand off. This is the moment when our life becomes our own. It is the moment when we are assured we are given everything but promised nothing. It would not be a lie to tell you it’s as scared as I’ve ever been. But it is a blessing because it is the first time in your life you can speak of your future as if it were your own. We are all dictators of consequence yet many never own up to the responsibly. It is time to own our purpose and move past it. We are only given this moment to choose whether we run or fumble.
The one who asks too many questions
I think rules would mean more to me if the world stuck to them. I think I would avoid consequence more if it was consistent. The truth is that it is not consistent at all. We are raised in a world of warning and fortune telling. The people around us paint signs and speak of walls too big to see over. And we believe it because we have no reason not to. That is of course until we meet that person that does not quite fit the mold and asks a few too many questions. They speak of impossibilities as one would speak of past victories and speak of places that we never have heard above a whisper. The only detrimental part about meeting them is that there is no going back. You cannot return to a reality that you now know does not exist. You are no longer in the safe confines of the fortune tellers but you are not limited by warnings and by the chains of someone else’s interpretation of your potential.
