Just a Shadow

You let me in so close,
That I could hear your heart go,
I knew your every impulse,
Your heart you let me know.

Time’s a bitch to friends,
It is the instigating end,
that has caught us by the throat
and wont let us go.

It is a truely a sad day
that the one i adored
is the one person
I dont know anymore

And when the tear quivers your lip,
Who will jump and abandom ship.
The truth is I really am not sure.
I do not know you anymore.

A Song- name that artist

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn’t take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for
I’m not running from you

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But note I really am inside
FINALLY FOUND MYSELF
FIGHTING FOR A CHANCE
I know now, this is who I really am

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come, break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

What if I wanted to break…?
What if I, what if I, what if I…

A hero

I think that the world is lacking heroes or prominent individuals. Sure, there are people doing extraordinary things or selfless deeds  but truth be told they are not leading people. Inspiring, yes. Maybe it is more personal, because I am far to young to speak on a worldly sense. Maybe I am the one who needs to be lead. I just watched the movie pursuit of happiness with will smith and it made me think that maybe it is my turn to lead. It is a bold statement we as humans are problem solvers. If we see something not working, we fix it or become it. In my eyes we are lacking leadership. We being the world I am involved with.

I think I am a friend moocher. I never have friends of my own. I know that sounds weird, but the friends I have, they have friends that tehy would have at home and I am friends with those people. I dont have many friends like the ones at home. Then again, those friends I think are the product of a few people I met on my own. That may not make sense to you, but it bothers me. I dont think I am diverse enough to say that I can have kind of wide ranging friends.

I Think You Don’t

I think I enjoy my own pain and lies ,
simply for the thrill of making things right.
I think I dont like to sleep at night,
so when day breaks I have something to fight.

I think I paint my life gray,
So I can see the color in their day.
I think I dont hold back what I say,
So others will want to prey,
for me.

I think that I know myself so well,
locking myself in a lonely cell.
I think I fall even before i had fell.
Just so I would have a story to tell.

I think I run away from home,
So others don’t know I am alone,
I think I avoid talking on the phone,
So people can not read my tone.

I think that you really dont know me,
Because I am nothing like what you see
No I dont think you can handle me,
You wont understand why I get the best of me.

I think I may never change,
I think you may never really know.
You may find me quite strange
I am always trying to leave.
When we both know
theres no where to go.

I fear when I have nothing to write here. Normally what I write is the product of hours of thought. Days like today get me thinking that I havent been dong much thinking at all. I worry for people. Too much I think.

Home is a dangerous place. It is too comfortable, and if I was there I know I could go without change for quite some time without looking back. Everything there is so definite. People that matter always seem to still be there. Everytime I go home I have this huge sign around neck that always reads “I screwed up.” But I think its kind of like when your in a relationship with a girl you think thats when other girls want you, when in reality they are just around more because your girlfriend is social. I think if I really dropped everything and went home, i would be rudely set straight. I think what is attractive is I have such a solid foundation there. I mean I came back to illinois wishing I never left. Which is not good…
Cully
PS- see this entry has no depth….aahhh

I dont know why, but I have been in such a great mood lately. I think it has to do with the weather. Because my life really isnt great, it isnt bad but it could be better. Lately I have found that I am here more to help other people than to help myself. I know there is a balance but I get more pleasure and happiness with helping other people.  It is a problem because I find myself suffering because I have over extended myself.

Despite my best efforts I am an artsy person. I care about how things look more than how they work. I wanted to be a cs major and I ended up like this…something is wrong with me. I thought that I would be ok with that, but the people in the major are not like me. I am not a hippie. I keep my hair short, I do not like flannel and I believe hemp is not a type of clothing material.

There is a softness in her breath. Judging from her outward appearance, her breath is the only sign of how to describe her from where it counts. Her hair is always pulled back but she breathes from her soul.  A strong stance in what she believes but she wouldn’t tell you unless you asked. Shy to the world, but not those close enough to ask questions.  She walks through this world with boundaries hoping no one will dig too deep. Dressed in greens and browns in an effort, as far as I can tell, to blend, to be invisible. But I can not help but see her. Despite her best efforts, she has a presence, a sweetness. The sad thing is I dont think she even knows or has a clue. She has no clue that she single handedly redefines beauty to fit her perfectly. She makes every guy in the room doubt their “perfect girl” image, because she doesn’t resemble it at all. Her voice always quivers with the first few words. Without clarity, she somehow draws attention. She speaks it.

Love

So, I was asked the other day by a friend to explain in my words what love was. More specifically my feelings on the phrase I love you.  Some would argue that I am too young to be able to answer such a heavy question. Even so, I think my answer  answers according to what I think it is. Love is a reaction not an emotion at first.  It is the description of a moment that is indescribable, the culmination of every happy moment that takes you by complete surprise. Planted where you swore nothing grew, into a fruit that keeps you waking up every morning and comforts your head before it hits the pillow. The phrase comes at a moment where it is the only thing to say, where even silence would ruin the moment. The release should not leave you with a comfort but almost a sense of blissful shock. It is impossible to fall in love alone also. Attraction sprinkled with passion is often mistaken for love at this point. Despite all of the personal things a heart can do for you, it is only truly growing with companionship. Without a certain level of response from the other, a person can not fall in love. If you at some point wonder you are in love, chance are, you are not. Love is not a mystery, when it comes it is blatantly visible.  Hopefully that all made sense- if not i just confused the hell out of my friend

the past

its funny how the past can be a brick wall to keep you from turning around, or a wall that constantly is wanting to fall on you.  umm thats all for that point

Emotions are always attached to people. Emotions hardly ever exist by themselves. Honestly over the week I wish that were not true. Emotions can not be lost, just forgotten. I was quite content with the loss of memory but it never fails, people make you remember.  I can not decide if this is good or not but I can tell you what it felt like. It hurt. No I am certain that a few of you reading this are deciphering what I am talking about with a few of you actually probably correct.  I think there is only one thing worse than pain, its forgetting it and remembering it again. Maybe I am sounding all emo and possibly depressed but im really not I dont think.

I find that the best quality a girl can have is not looks or even a sense of humor. The best match brings out the best in another person.  I was reading over some letters in from my last girlfriend (which is funny because i cant keep up with anything but I have every letter from her), and I think that is what made us last. It wasnt anything that we personally did, it was when we were around each other we brought out the best in each other. Reading all of those letters made me think of why I was really attracted to her and it was not the standard things. It was literally I could not be a better person than when I was with her. I made better decisions, I felt better, and I was a more enjoyable person.  In my quest for the next one, that is my sign

Cully

Carpe Momentum

Beauty is in the eye of the moment, love is in the eye of the experience.

An interesting note

I guess since the dawn of humanity this has been true, and I never appreciated its validity. Do not let your personal problems affect your work. Keeping these things separate is the key to moving on. I am working at my dads call center and the supervisor yesterday spent his whole day yelling at his ex wife about some disagreement. The core of his job is to make sure the call center is efficient. Part of that is Moral. He brought the whole call center down with him. The next day he missed work and almost lost his job. His problems would have only gotten worse. The job is the glue, the constant. His personal life is important, but his job is keeping him afloat. My dad was telling me that my uncle did the same thing and he could never get positive with his finances. He finally told his wife one day that he had to go to work and they would argue when he got back. Since then he has been profitable enough to start a fund for his two children for college. I dont know why this is so shocking but is a novel concept to me. With all of the importance placed on everything else, the job is the most important. True love never dies, but you can get fired. It sounds simple now.

Cully