What is real

She fades. I have no other way of putting it. The further I go, the dimmer the light gets. Now I am trapped, because if I go even a step further, she will fade completely away. She will become the scenery of where I have been. Does she not even deserve the luxury of becoming a memory. No, just a name, an association with a memory. A few “o yea” ’s and then the light flickers. She fades from the spotlight. I have taken for granted how good the light looked on you. You glowed. A soft glow that would accent the edges of her smile, and outlined the most innocent eyes. She fades. Oh I don’t wish it upon a single fragile heart. What is real, does not fade. What is real needs no light, just as there is no shadow on the sun. What is real casts shadows. What is real, does not fade. She fades. She fades! She fades…

I dont know

I spend so much time finding knowledge. I think I actually have a fear of ignorance, or the fear that people will find out. But today I spent a good hour thinking of all the things I dont know that actually matter. Like how this girl feels about me. Where im going with my life. What is true happiness. Where do dreams cross into reality. What is my gift? I can not even begin to answer these questions. Other little things seem so pointless. Gaining ultimate knowledge is not as important as the adventure to discovering the answer to the few that matter. I make mistakes. More than some will understand, more than I will attempt to explain. But accepting that is huge. You see then its not the mistake at all that matters. Even in my failure I get one step closer to answering those questions about myself. Every decision is an answer. Is it not bizarre that we spend so much time trying to understand the one person we know better than anyone else. And that is just ourselves. What about other people. Then trying to understand interactions between those people. The world is huge. Technology isn’t making the word smaller, its making it more readily acceptable that the world is enormous. You can go a lifespan and never understand yourself. A constant study- and in your life’s last breath you may never complete it. Falling in love and finding the one for you I think is just a coincidence to be honest. The chances of knowing yourself well enough to find someone that you are compatible enough is so rare. Thats the concept of dating- to skip steps, its a trial and error because you don’t have a clue about the process. So that gets you wondering, how lucky are you? If you’re not, then how patient and persistent are you? How many unexplainable actions are you willing to preform in the name of coincidence ? How may times can you swallow the phrase shit happens? For those who are willing’s sake, I hope you are also. I hope that you are dangling from a branch, sucking the marrow out of life. Then by chance you may find yourself, and have someone to share it with. Someone who will listen.

if…

Some how I saw you grin,
Looked away then looked again.
So pretty from a glance,
So beautiful if given the chance.

Two innocent eyes and a smile,
Make me want like a child.
In a shell from the world to see
Notice you? Will you notice me?

I count to 5
Youre in my life
I count to ten
Its how it was again
Im up to sixteen
It was all a dream
Who cares what it means
Morning will come
Before I hit twenty

I pass the street
Where you met me
Everything seems ok
Seems like only we changed

I guess you kept the smile
Yea, I found gloss for my eyes
Im all the same where you care
A few less stories I wont share
it was about mid december
tried so desperately to remember
But it was I who could not see.
Could you do a favor for me,
Do not try to recall the past,
Just try and get to know me.

I count to five
Thank God Im alive
I count to ten
Stuck awake again
Sprint past 16
Its not happening
Let me get to 20
Please let me dream.

Spiderman 3 and other things

Ok first off….spiderman 3 is completely aweful. I can not honestly believe what people are saying. They always agree with me like  “yea it was bad but…..(insert lame excuse).” My favorite is that they tried to do too much in such a short time. It was close to 3 hours long. There was a 20 minute scene that was far from important. This movie cost 300 million dollars to mean. Thats more than a quarter of a BILLION dollars. And its not like they were scramping together for material. Thee y used Venom! The arch nemesis of Spiderman- The grand daddy of bad guys. And who do they get to play the part – Toby Maguire- the star of that 70’s show. And hes defeated in about 5 minutes. The scripting is absolutely terrible. I literally laughed in the theater because there was no way they were trying to be serious. Later I found out they were.

Second, I am coming home in a week!

If I could take it all back, if I could go back to us, I would not. Its funny with all the importance I used to put on “us”, the time after seems like an equally important time. Growth and development. That is what is important. Should that end in a . I think it is more discovery. I want to be more, just not in a way that I can yet. Home.

remember

If anything, remember that it took two. Remember that despite what you want to think, there were way more great moments than this bad one. You can cry because there was no easier way, but not for your decision. Remember that he broke only because he depended on you to hold him together. Never under estimate the time it takes to put those pieces back together, and for some time he may not be the same. Truly he may not ever be the same. Time has a power in puzzle placement. If it meant anything, you were not bonded with something superficial, but with the core. Once he is together, through the changes, you will find that person that very few people actually know. I can not speak on behalf of the other half, because to be honest , I was never that good at understanding that pain. I tend to hold the dagger. So delicate the skin of a relationship, so harsh are the hands of time. Just remember that it took two. Despite distance, despite time, despite tears, it will take two if you don’t want to forget it all. It takes two.