on a further note

I find it increasingly hard to write here. Only because on this paper I can lie without consequence. A few read it, those who know me disregard things that seem crazy and those who dont would just assume them to be true. Its two in the morning, that is a fact. I just spent over 3 hours watching an old show I havent watched since it was canceled. It was unusually touching in a way that it has not been since I started watching it. The reasons I watched it started to fade and so did my tolerance. But the mail is slow. Without explaining too much, I ordered it on dvd as more of a memory keepsake. I ordered it last February. It came today. Tonight I realized why I like the show and its the same reason I like this online journal. Its as attached as I want it to be. When I first started watching the show, I could compare every character to my life down to their streams of thought. As time passed it delineated and so did the relevance of this journal. Now i have not always been the best friend and quite frankly I was never excellent at being more than that. Actually most of the times I did things right in that area it was just luck. Tonight I watched episode behind episode and once again I found myself coinciding with a 15 year old boy who is rebellious with some anger that he thinks is just but no one understands. Now, the show as any good show would do alternates the plot to make both sides correct but we as human beings have to do better. He was not struggling with anyone or trying to prove to anyone other than himself. I need to prove it to myself. I realize now that it does not mean alone. In fact that path is for repetitious failure, trust me. But I need to know that the decisions I make, can make a difference in my life. And I feel like I have to be so rash just to get people to leave me. And Here I am- Stranded. A loner. I work twelve hour days not because I need the money. Its because I dont want to go home. I keep my cell phone off because I dont want to face who may call. I dont talk to some of my friends because I dont want to know that things may have changed. I dont do awkward, I find it having no purpose. But my life now is awkward. It is a result of me. I have made my life a paradox. Impossible to escape because there is nothing to escape from. Its me, I am myself and always will be. Now for most of you this is mostly rants and I understand this. I am actually impressed you made it this far. If I am making any kind of sense, I guess that is an added bonus. I guess I am just stuck in my life realizing what I had, admiring those who cared. And by stuck I dont mean impossible to unstick, just difficult to. I am not asking to be a pitty case, nor do I need anyone to state the obvious on the path that I have taken. I am choking on those. I need those trinkets of a normal life. A friend that randomly calls up because its tuesday. I dont need a friend who only feels he or she can call when in need of relationship advice. I need a life I dont have to whisper. I need a life that when people ask my parents they dont look at me as if they are ashamed of the truth. I am just asking for the sprinkles. Maybe as a seed or a promise that one day what you decorate it with will grow from it. And on my previous entry- when I hated the environment- i meant literally. The weather was aweful.

changes

First I would like to appologize to those who actually read this for I have not updated it for quite some time. I think, well I know this is for certain changes I have chosen to make. Illinois did not work out. I find it absolutely devestating that I could not fufill a dream I have had since I was at least 11. But as old people say in Brittain, that is neither here nor there. For a long time I was really upset because I had wasted a year of my life. So I took the usual approach to fixing a problem; find the problem, develop a solution, and follow it. The first part was easy. There were too many distractions. I really had no true ambition to be a great athlete. I hated the atmosphere. At that point I realized it, the problem was me. My lack of ability to motivate myself in unlikable situations is a flaw. A character flaw if I were to push this fire any deeper. I did not waste a year, I finally figured out me. Maybe not completely, but enough to have confidence about it and nothing has been the same since. My parents payed for one college, the next is for me. SCAD is probably where I am headed but not to mention it is competing (quite well I might add) at being one of the most expensive schools in the south. But instead of bringing me down, for some reason with this new mindset, I have been inspired. I know for once what I want and where I want to be. And for once I think that what where I want to be and where I am supposed to be are the same. Once a goal is in mind the steps before it are easy. Its expensive, fine Ill get a job. Ok now Ive got one, well I have to make a lot of money, fine, I need  promotion. How do I get that? Well I need more skills and I need to increase my working productivity. Done. promition- done. I just dont feel like I am going against the grain anymore. I feel like this is the right thing. Ironically its going against where everyone has predicted me going. Well except a highschool teacher who told me I would be a bum (there is still time, I will give her that).  I have so much more ambition right now that it is hard for me to maintain the life I was living before all of this happened. People keep calling me asking me where I have been, even to the point of wondering if I am alive. I can not wait to tell them that yes I am in fact quite alive, and doing great. I have a lot to do before I conquer this big bad world but at least I am willing. I am not drifting in the tide, I am not even riding in the waves. I will make my own. It has been my life story to be the case example of the “other percent.” That three percent that will have to be taken back under the knife because during surgery the “impossible” happend. Every situation has caused me to life a life based on unlikelyhood. There is a power in majority, but there is a unsuspecting power in a minority. I will seize the day, and I may not make more than a ripple when it is all said and done. But that is what the majority say. I have learned to live by the rule that has governed my life. I am willing to bet my 2 percent that you will be covered in the waves that I make. And at that point you will have to make a choice. Will you drift? Or will you make a wave of your own?