Maybe it was because their day was less than what they had hoped , or maybe it was their last sophmoric act as a teenager, but for reasons beyond reason they sat down in Handicapped Parking spot B. It was surely easier to imagine them as crazy, especially from the outside perspective they presented as cars passed. For them however, anything other place, any other conversation would have felt out of place. The asphault was warm enough to see a light steam roll over the lot, which seemed to change direction as much as their topic of choice. ..to be continued

the I cants of life

I think that we generally assume any phrase ending with i cant is bad or in some motivational camps (which many cripple camps here in ga end up being) is even repulsively negative. But I think unreachable goals are built around I can’t. We go to the movies because we want to see what we cant do.  We are motivated as a society by I cants.

Anyway, what brought this up is It is now well past 1 am and I am thinking about my life and what I would like to do. For some reason It always comes go going back in time and ‘fixing’ sections of my life. But I cant and not for the reasons that you would assume. I can not fix things because the more I look back they are not broken. More or less it was just rough at the time. Its a nice thought to trace a perfect path in the direction that you choose but that is not life at all. As I sat there and tried to make this perfect path I realized how chizzled out my life already is. I cant change it. Am I doomed to continue the direction I am headed, no. But I can see it more clearly now

I have spent, probably 90 percent of this journal talking about girls, females, women whatever you feel is appropriate given my age and maturity compared to yours. I think it is because I can not explain to myself my own thoughts as they are placed against my actions. To make an analogy its like being able to plan out the perfect date, and doing nothing to put it into action. Its not that I am shy or scared. I just dont. I am surrounded  by I cants and the ever more deadly I shouldnts. How do I overcome? I have no clue..not a one. This is why I write, because I have no idea.

simply put

Often I try to say words as they leave my head and I have learned that I have grown accustomed to thinking that was deep thought. After all, people only understood what I said after thinking about it. But the after thinking about it part is crucial. I have always admired poetry, in that in so few words they say so much to so many people. Their thoughts concise, each word carefully chosen. I think as a society we have lost this. In our utter ambition to pursue the freedom of speech we have encapsulated and forgotten our freedom to be silent and listen. I spent a major portion of my life being very outspoken. Over the summer though, I have taken a different approach. I have not desperately sought out friends, or done anything really except observe. In that I have learned indescribable things.

I fear love, because it has the power to destroy or construct, depending on who uses it.

As one person, I can do little but without me, a group of people can loose their meaning.

The notion that problem is only as bad as its consequences is wrong. The worst is the best that failure could ask.

Friends are the roots that hold us down, without them, we are bound to drift.

Home is a place in the heart. It is where your heart feels it can rest.

There may not be a right and wrong, maybe then just a ‘right’ and everything else.

Parents’ knowledge is like wine, it is better with age and vastly more appreciated.

Friendships change and fortunately, and unfortunately never change back.

Silence can be just as loud as noise.

I have a weakness for girls who annoy me, those annoyances are what I begin to yearn for and adore.

not a normal journal/blog

I guess most blogs spend their time reviewing their day or some new products coming out but for some reason mine is not that at all. Mine is the culmination of all the thoughts that I have had in that day through my experiences. In short, I appologize because through reading this, you will have absolutely no idea what is going on in my life, just whats going on (sort of) in my head. I will try to be better. I have accepted today that I have a movie fetish. I saw transformers yesterday, and I realized it then. I lost myself in the sound, the big screen, picking distasteful popcorn out of my teeth. It is beautiful. I went to blockbuster and went nuts. I just love movies. I love to watch them, get lost in them, collect them. I bought 8 today, and im not exactly sure I am going to like all of them, but I could not help it. I am addicted. I am using this to say, for those of you who have been wanting to go to the movies but cant find the transportation or the financial requirements, I am here to accomplish that for you. I need to go. There are about 6 movies I have not seen that I would like to see.
On another note, I love my job. I used to look forward to the weekend but now I just spend all Sunday looking forward to Monday. Its almost like I am cheating. I am developing software along side someone who has gone through all the necessary schooling and I am keeping up. I spent a long time today at borders just preparing for work tomorrow. I can not get enough it. Of course, it seems that my social life is really hurting because of it, but I really have not noticed except when my mom points it out. I dont care at this point because they offered to pay for college so long as I keep my grades up. And that my friend is incredible. I have a job, that pays well, that will pay for me to go to college of my choice, in the area that I choose. I fear that it is too good to be true.

I fear. I fear statements that end with, the opportunity of your life. I just have a history of them not being that at all. Maybe, I am just shortsighted and am to stubborn to see what is in front of me. This will be the second time in the last year someone has said to me this exact phrase: If its what you love, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. Though on circumstance those two situations differ greatly, I fail to see very much difference at all. That is what I fear. It is a normal fear if we were to categorize it. The fear of not knowing. However,  if we were to categorize fears as normal, they would not be much a fear at all. But this is a real fear. When I was younger, it was easy to combat fear with carelessness, in the even that if I fell I would surely get up. But as I get older, I realize the real struggle in that statement. I have been told over and over that most people in a lifetime will never have to go through what I have gone through thus far. I always wondered then why the rest of my life was so hard unless it was gradually getting worse. But that is not true at all. No one could live my life but me, however I would not dare to ask to live an one else’s for that same reason.

I have a choice. I have been told all of my life I am capable of great things. I have treated this potential as an annoyance all of my life. Was this act good, yea but it was never great. I was always just shy of my potential, therefore always a hair away from who I really was. Somewhere through my life, I stopped. I stopped trying. There is a fine line between good and great, but a huge gap between great and bad. I coasted in this gap and because of this I now see why the opportunities of a lifetime are mere experiences. If I do not strive to be great, what is an opportune moment but another keepsake for storytelling. I have thought and my new fear, is that by the end of it all, I might only have stories. I might only speak of my life in conditionals and not actual changes. I may have coasted all the way through. Some would see me as lucky, because I believe I could make it that way. But making it and not dying are two different things. To live and to not die are far from the same. Thank You. You know who you are. Actually your probably doubting it right now. Why would he thank me you ask. Because, when you should be told or should have been told, I may loose sight of this very thought. I would never want you to go without it. You have been with me, and thank you.

Amnesia, Everwood, and the whole shebang

When I was younger, and I say this as though it was a long time ago which I will not say is the case, I used to not be able to sleep at night because my head would be flooded with thoughts. Dreams are always an excuse to sleep for people but for me I didn’t need sleep to dream. Though I never dreamed of flying, I often stayed up for what seemed like hours running through situations if I had just handled them a little differently. Regardless of how I originally handled it, I would just lay there, thinking, whispering the words to myself. I guess you could call this craziness and I thought it was an age thing, but here I am at 1AM doing the same thing. I went to bed at 11 and I have spent the last two hours backing my life up for I think 14 months. Every decision, and the reason I kept going back is because I could not find a better solution. I figure, it must have been further back. But right around last Febuary, things changed. Change has always been a fear of mine. Despite my unorganized lifestyle and lack of planning, I like things to remain pretty much the same. But unlike what I enjoy, that is not how life is set up. We are forced to progress either positively or negatively. To be honest, I backtrack my life in my mind because I am trying to figure out what path I chose and if it was the wrong one, how long have I been on it. But that is not how life works, you move forward as steady and whatever direction you choose, but in the end you move forward.

I dont know if anyone made the connection between the tv show I mentioned. Ive been slowly renting the show on dvd for about a week. Everwood is the show. Now before I tell you what I think of it, or even before you make the rash decision of renting it, let me preface it. You have to give it time. When I first started watching it, I watched it solely because I had a friend who watched it. And all it was to me was drama and a bunch of cheesy lines. But despite how messed up their lives are, its real to me. What bothers me about most shows is by the end of the show you either want to jump in their shoes or not. But Everwood I could not tell you. I would want to jump in certain scenes, but the other ones are too real, or close to my own life. Its scary sometimes that I could point out scenes and say hey ive been there, or hey i wished it went like that. I think thats what kept me up tonight. I can not tell you the amount of times I have wanted to have amnesia  and plead for everyone to just forget so we can start over. It bugs me that there is no reset button on life. It bothers me that I can only change the future because I know regret is the heaviest baggage you can carry..so I shed it. But not well. I loose touch with friends, friends who I swore would have to kill me to get rid of me. I fight with my parents over issues where they know I can tell they are right. I have a whole State I ignored for a month. And why? Because I dont want the filler. I am a great starter and if I ever get to finish, I know what I want. But I am constantly trying to skip a step. I tell you one thing, I am tired of writing depressing journal entries. My whole life is in front of me as well as behind me. But I am responsible for right now. No retracing paths, or worrying what the next responsibility is, now. Only regret nothing.

for those who read

This message is addressed to those who read this blog. There are a select few(as in at most 3) that consistently read this blog. They know how this goes, but please do not let your interpretations of what I say get you hurt, upset, angry or anything of the sort. I would be more than excited to discuss your interpretations with you, as it may benefit to hear what the writer if you will, said. I have to mention this because I have had an increasing response due to my changes entry. I understand that it was personal and that the changes mentioned are more of the reason people are reading it, if you would like to continue to read it, I would not be at all offended. I have always wanted a journal that could be shared with a lot of people, i think it is on its way to reaching that. So again, I will continue to write, regardless of what you may think of it. Thats how journals go although what you do think, is more than interesting. Just don’t try to interpret what i think and try and tell me about it. I know. Trust me

a piece

There is a piece of a mans heart that should not be opened except once. Now granted, those giving this advice have obviously opened this piece, but none the less, this would be then for those who have not the slightest idea on this subject. The piece with which I am referring, is a mold, a perfect mold crafted from the deepest emotions of another. Oh the crafting may occur but unless it is mutual, the piece will never open. The finished piece is nothing more than an idea. Once opened, four letters can feed a man for days, a man can live on it. But I dare to say, that once that other leaves, what else would he or she take but her piece, willing or not. A perfect mold, only filled by one..gone. A sad story, with little promise other than the fact that you will forever be making an effort to find someone close enough to fill just enough of that piece so that you dont feel the hurt that is known as emptiness. For your sake I hope it was opened by someone lowly, terrible, not loving, for that is an easy space to fill. I would wish on no one to have to scavenge to fill the space left by one who he or she actually loved. For, that is a space that cannot be filled, and can widdle a man down to his fears. It can brush a man down behind the mask he hides. It makes a man real when all he wants is his head to hit that pillow so he can dream. It will strip a man of compassion, fearful of the world finding out. The recovery is long and lucky. A few kicks here and there but flat lined in a way of a future. That piece was reserved for you alone, either you get her back or the piece. But that is not how the world works. You have to run, so when you jump, you just might take off from here. The trouble of it all is I stood still all too long.