the things I dont want to do

• get in another car for at least 24 hours
• sleep in a room with anyone else
• taco bell
• leave my gf for florida
• watch disney channel
• accept that its going to rain this entire weekend
• sweat
• eat sandwiches
• listen to any maria carey
• listen to christmas music before thanksgiving
• hear anyone replace Christ with an x in Christmas
• write a really long list

It continues

I think the hardest decisions to make are those that are chosen for us. I think mainly because it takes away from what a decision truly is. There is no, if I had it my way. There is the way things turned out. The decisions that we are able to chose often do impact how they turn out, but i think they turn out on their own. 
To truely miss someone. If someone goes without eating, he or she gets hungry. The same goes for thirst, or sleep. But it also happens with those you care about. I can not begin to explain the pain I feel when she is not with me. The pain I feel when I am forced to leave is something I hope is only equal to mine in her. 

The way id have it

Its funny how times change your perspective. such a large portion of life we are fed what to believe. This is the right way, this is the right decision. Slowly with age, the spoon gets smaller, until we are no longer fed. We are to feed ourselves. I have said it before, but there is hardly ever just a right and a wrong. More so a right and then everything else. The problem is that you notice this fact after you make the decision. I am stuck. I have what appears to be two right decisions. Well put it this way, two decisions with equal benefits and equal consequences. On another note, I have never felt so part of a family I am actually not part of. Yesterday, I attended my girlfriends thanksgiving and oddly enough did not feel out of place. It was odd how I could line up my own family members with hers. Like he is just like my uncle so and so or my grandmother would say that. Normally that comes later. These people were genuinely open. It was easy to assume to much. I must admit, I caught myself doing so from time to time. So I sit here, understanding as I can. Hoping that today the answer will come to me. Because the way id have it- she would come with me. 

I guess it would be easy

Today I sat in fear of what I would find when I came home. Could I take the happiest man crumbling to tears. Could I take the anger? Much to my fortune, I did not have to. I came home to a man who smiled as if nothing happened. Denial, I thought. But understanding is more of what I saw. Acceptance is what I saw. As I have grown, I can do nothing but gain respect for him. Such a hard worker, I told myself. Others in the family would gripe about the obscene hours of working, I would just sit in awe of that kind of determination. It was so overbearing of a willpower that I assumed no one else would be able to miss it.So at the sound that someone had, I dreaded to see him. It is a terrible feeling to dread the one you admire. It is a problem I could not address. But I did not have to. The man stood before me to comfort me. As if any of the problem or the fear was because of me. He was calm and collected and confident of all things. He had a plan. I guess it would be easy from his shoes, or more so from his mind. I could never walk it, but I can see how he does. That is who he is. The characteristics that he possesses is what shoved him through this situation.

those left behind

So when her knees find the floor,
Confidence slammed with the door,
Begging have mercy and no more,
Wiping the tears as they pour,
From her
Face

Take this as my apology
For catching you  when you fall,
Instead of making you fly
For answering your call
instead of listening to your cry.

So I sit before you a broken man,
begging for mercy,
Begging that someone will understand.
Hoping to hear me,
That from where I sit,
Someone will stand.

So I say Im sorry,
And ask for mercy,
To stand by me,
And cry into me.
For I will always be,
The face you see,
When the world falls,
Oh too easily