I find it odd that in the most complicated situations, the answer tends to be so simple. Thats not really what I meant. My life always seems to be complicated when everything around me is so simple, and when my life is most simple- everything else is so complicated.
anyway here is a blog post that never got through because i was doing it offline
I have been trying to figure out if I would like my life completely laid out for me and I just follow it, or if I remain clueless and guess aimlessly. I think religion leaves this open for interpretation. If you are a Christian like me, then you believe there is God who knows of your life and what you will do but doesn’t necessarily what to do. Actually that’s just my division of it. There are people out there that would kill to prove that everything is predestined. I don’t think I would like it if it were true. I like living under the understanding that there are certain choices out there for me to make and that the actions I choose make a difference in this world. I believe however, that as the world progresses, the world around us makes a more and more defined mold. I think that today we may be control the choices we make, but not the circumstances that influence how we make them. Our world is predefined; we are born into it. Freedom of choice then is a more concerned with where you live then than with the actual choice. I think this is why when you move, you often find groups of people in your new home that remind you of the ones where you used to live. This is not always so and I think that is important. The friends that turn out to be the best, exist solely in one person. For instance, my friend joey: only one like him. Since I’ve moved back to GA, I have tried to find that connection. Today I am marking it as the first day I will stop my search. The people that matter break out of that mold, and are able to make choices outside of circumstance. I am not sure how he does this but he does. You can pick them out of the crowd. They are the ones on the first day vote alone and on the second day have a crowd following for his vote. He is a definer of circumstance which I believe we should all strive to be. I am not sure how attainable this is, but if you could define circumstances you would be able to control every side of a choice.
The weird part about this whole blurb is that what I said above is simply a result of me thinking what I want to do. It is no longer what I want to do when I grow up, because I feel there is no one moment in time where a person grows up or even when a person stops growing. Everyone has their dream job, like being a rock star. Mine was never a rock star but more of a writer. I dreamed of having that office in a far off place where the room is filled with books on the shelves but mostly on the floor with sticky notes marking various parts. In the middle would be a desk with random stacks of paper and crumpled paper mounds and in the middle my laptop facing a wall made of glass. And through the glass there is nothing but nature. It would resemble a Spanish villa. I think this would shock most people in that they would assume that if I had it my way I would live in some fancy modern computer run house. I just have never been that way. I like a natural look. Anyway back to the point- a writer. That would be my dream job. Not that I would be necessarily good at it, nor am I assuming that my dream job would be perfect for me. Some people who dream of being a rock star have no musical knowledge what so ever. I just like the idea of having a job where I can pour my mind out on paper, and in turn people pick it up and admire it. I want highschoolers to pick up a book I wrote, and when they get to college and the professor asks if they had heard of me, give a sign and say of course and roll their eyes. Of course not all writers make it, so I will have to go through the arduous task of narrowing down what I need to do. Again my choices are governed my circumstance. Maybe they should be, who is to say that me being a writer is the write choice for me, and if I would just do as I’m told the right choice will be chosen for me. That is just hard to accept for me. I am not trying to go against the grain just to go against the grain. I am just simply saying that I would like to assume that the mold is not for me. That I have some greater knowledge of myself than society does. Two brains may be better than one, but an infinite amount of brains will still not result in mine. I am not saying that I am brilliant, but my mind is my own. This may be the single handedly longest ramble to date. I just have so much on my mind, that I wish I print out and chart it all out to make sense of me. I think what is most disturbing is that I do not understand all of me, and that other people are trying to help me to. It disturbs me that other people might understand sides of me better than myself. Maybe I am just a control freak. I would hopefully assume something else.
