Second Place

Yea man I know how it seems,
But you didnt end up second tonight
That girl lives in her dreams
If she thinks that guy is Mr. Right

Yea the word crazy comes to mind,
But this girl will come around
And by then you will be one hell of a find
If you will just stick around

When that day comes to your surprise
When she looks at you with sorry eyes
You will see there is no second place
When you are the reason she smiles tonight

Mario and the Extra Life

I think the funny thing about having “the plan” in life is that nothing hardly adheres to it. I have written before about having a plan and its purpose and I pretty much summed it up as – the plan is what keeps us moving instead of being dragged along. This is going to be a weird analogy buy I feel like the old time Mario levels where you can not go backwards or you will die. I was terrible at video games- I would see that extra life as it edged off the screen. That only happened by myself. See when my friends came over- I was the Mario master, I would attack the level at an expert level. I would play it just shy of perfect so that it seemed like the very first time I had played it- I was just naturally that good.  I have to catch myself sometimes trying to do this in life. I constantly do run throughs in my mind of situations so that when it actually happens- everyone just assumes that I “planned” it. They assume that I am just that good.

Structured Memories

Memories are a double edged sword. Even the ones you dont want to forget are hardly the ones you want to remember all the time. Memories are often exaggerated over time and blown out of proportion which I think is the reason I am writing this post at 1AM. Its hard to tell if ive ever had things better, when I dont know if those memories of what I had are even close to where they were before. Then I am trying to decide is this situation really that bad, and I have nothing to compare it to- its just me. It has made me take life from a new stance- a moment that isnt strung to any other moment – just itself.  People always talk about living in the moment and I honestly don’t think its everything people say it to be. There is a reason for memories, there are reasons. It adds the chance of predictability to life and even if its a false sense of comfort I need structure of some sort. I need understanding and choice.

Thick Skin

I am not bi polar, I like to consider myself as thick skinned. There’s just a lot you have to do to get to who I am. And that is not necessarily true. Who a person is has to be composed of more than just the good qualities. So yes I am an asshole. That is a part of who I am.  People keep telling me, I dont care about anybody. I do. Im just not a hugger, and I like to tell it the way I see it. The people who got through the toughness, will tell you- im actually quite caring. So why not show that side all the time? why even have the thick skin? You would think I would just shed that skin, but I can’t. Ive tried it and to put it simply- its not me. One can not exist without the other. They feed off of each other. I just hope enough people get through to see the other side.

2nd Ring Friends

I feel that I am happiest when everything that I usually hang on to, doesn’t fit. This is not due to me trying to achieve this, it simply happens, I look back on it and realize that my life is bliss. For example, the other night I was getting ready to go to bed when I realize that for the entire day I did not hang out with a single “usual” person. It was a group of what I would consider “2nd ring” people. That sounds harsh and due to my recent experience, the term does not fit at all. What I mean by 2nd ring is simply that these were the people I knew through people or came with other people. They were never the ones directly invited. But I had a great time. The day went more smooth than anything I can remember.

That night I started to wonder where all of the usual people were. I soon found out that they had continued on as they usually do, completely without me. At first  I was kind of angered.  But then I really thought about it and I had a great day. What more could I ask for? Every other day had been filled with these other people, that continued on without me and those days seemed bland and filled with me settling to do things  I did not want to do. I don’t know why this is and really the whole situation sounds bad when I put it like this. I mean I am basically saying that I had a great time because I got to do what I wanted to do and the people around me enjoyed doing it. But it is so much more than that. There was a complete relief knowing that there were no past memories.  I could completely be myself. I was concerned for them not having a good time so I made sure that didnt happen. That whole weekend turned out to be fantastic.

I now sit at my desk, typing this when the usual people are sitting in the living room. I am a little disturbed because I do not want to go out there. I dont want the usual, I dont want to be let down. I simply want my friends who like to do new things. Maybe this is all living in the moment, and by tomorrow none of this makes sense. Maybe, but I feel a shift in my life and unlike usual- I welcome this change.

A Natural

I have given up on the idea that someone can just be a natural at something. I have seen too many people, cursed because someone told them they had so much potential and that they were a natural. Those are hardly ever the ones that are actually successful. Being in a wheelchair really makes your world a lot smaller. Its really easy to meet the Super Stars and the Greats. All of their stories are quite uninspiring. Well to me they are quite uninspiring. After speaking to all of them, their stories all seem to center around one central theme: they worked hard. None of them would say, well I was always good at this. In fact, nearly all of them start out saying how bad they were. They were not the ones showered in potential, or classified as a natural. They just knew what they wanted and captured it. There is no magical ingredient. There is no award winning formula. They didnt write books to reveal all their secrets. They just worked hard. Potential and Natural ability have little if anything to do with success.