Unrelenting Change

Wow? Whats this? another post? sure is. get excited.

I have a freakish love for change. I mean when things go haywire and everything in my life changes in an instant – i get pumped. Today is one of those days. I was offered a better place to live though there is absolutely nothing wrong with where I live now. Im stoked simply because of the change but everyone around me is wondering why I would change a thing. I wish I had some deep comment that would explain this, but frankly its just me.

I also have realized that I have a very divided friend base. People are never indifferent about me. They either like me or they dont. Dont know what that means….

Happiness

What is happiness? At some point in our life, we have to find an answer to this question. We start off believing what our parents say it is, then we realize that their happiness fits specifically to them. Then as if we learned nothing from the previous experience, we look to our friends and try to mimic their happiness. This however leaves us worse off, because in all likely circumstances they are doing the same thing to us. I dont know if there is a scientifically standard time period, but at some point something clicks.

Goodbye

When its all over,
And everyone saw it but you
Do you expect me to cover
Even after you said we were through?

You say you’re undiscovered
But everyone always said it was you
You said there’d be no other
But that couldnt have been less true

You keep calling my phone,
saying you want to be alone
And expect that to change the tone

Goodbye Im Through
I pray that one of these roads
Doesnt lead back to you

Baggage

In a moment, she cried. Not a flood of tears but one single monumental tear. Before its moment could mature, she wiped it away and pasted a smile on her face. She then wiped the evidence on her leg, and at that point I knew, this moment would never be discussed. Then it was as if time was instantly thawed and it was as if that moment did not exist at all. I joked, she smiled. Company came, and she faded into the crowd. Somehow without a word spoken, her burden was given to me without any reason as to why i was carrying it. I fear now that if I speak of it, I could give it back. I could give back the one thing that brought her to a tear. For now, I carry her baggage. It is the consequence of caring. Despite what it has done to me, or what she thinks it has done to me, I can carry more than she has to give.

My Purpose and its relation to my sanity

FAIR WARNING: this will be a rant- I know me- my mind is in rant mode

So Tonight I sit here. Thinking and reflecting. We have this life in our hands. Some of us, like myself are not spared a thing so that we have the choice to do as we please with it. We are simply teased with these walls we can hide behind and call them obstacles if we choose. Its like when a parent or someone of the sort would give you a dollar as a kid and say don’t spend this all in one place. I think our perception of this story reflects our life. At first, we think we could buy the world with the dollar. That we couldnt spend it all if we tried. As we age we start to believe that we can not even afford a stick of gum. I think I have reached a point in my life where I can look back and start to judge where I have come from and I can say that my childhood was just a rapid bit of growing up. Thats literally all I did. Every experience, every choice, resulted in some way in me growing up that much more. But there came a point where it wasn’t about that anymore. I am not sure what the moment was or even the day but the whole purpose behind everything changed.

Change

Hey I made some changes to the website! One of the more notable changes (aside from the rather good looking man in the header image) is the ability to browse through old posts with a bit more ease. I had no idea how long I have had this journal…nearly two years. As I usually do about this time of year (its growing close to my mystery birthday) I start to think about how things have changed and if I have had any revelations worth mentioning. The first, is that since I dated Katelyn, I have always had good friends. I always (nearly) give her credit for showing me what a could friend not only could be but should be with little exception. The other side of this coin is a bit less fortunate of a note, my friends dont seem to last that long. I always seem to “out grow” most of them. I really thought that was it, but now I have to start to think due to the sheer volume of friends that i have “out grown”, maybe its me? Im not sure exactly sure what happens, they just arent in my life anymore. I got a chance to meet up with a lot of my “old” friends lately, and they all started out with “where did u go?” I really wish I knew.

My Generic Death

I usually don’t pull the cripple card. I joke about it, sometimes people play it for me, but I hardly use it. It is funny how being in a wheelchair has presented my life even to me. This morning I woke up and almost went to the hospital. Without going into a ton of details, I feel that nearly going to the hospital would warrant enough of a “HOLY GOODNESS” response that details can be spared. I’ll start with the end so that you worried readers can relax, I didnt actually go- I’m fine. But looking back on the whole situation, it gives me an interesting insight on my life. I called my mom, she said shed be there as soon as she got time. Did I worry? Did I get offended that she was taking her time? No, the truth is that life threatening situations are a pretty common occurrence for me. I dare say that they have become a bit routine and monotonous. Through the whole predicament this morning, no one sped up, or freaked out. We just carried on with our day as if going to the hospital was in the schedule all along.

Growing Up

It’s amazing to me how time changes everything. This past week I saw people that I literally have not seen in half a decade. They looked the same and even held their same humor but for the life of me I could not relive “the old times.” I tried but it felt odd or even borderline akward. So then I stopped trying and right and left I kept hearing about how much I had changed. Time seems to be the barrier that can not be overcome when placed between people. It’s as if I had to start over and build a new foundation. This is because there comes a point where you have to stop talking about the old times and appreciate where you are. This is more of a long term goal because I for so long have glorified the good ol days.