Widdling

I think my friendships come in cycles as If I was widdling them. When I first started coming to my current college, I had an abundant of friends. We would go places, and they would ask why we did not make a reservation. Then, for whatever reason, I started concentrating on a few. I focused on the funny ones, the smart ones or anything else that was exciting. Now, the ones I have left I have to say are the most dependable friends I have had in a while.

What it takes is what I need

It’s amazing how corageous a person be when you know when you are right. It’s amazing how cowardly I am when things are unsure. I have words to say, situations I want to produce but can’t find it in me. I just pray that one day I’ll find it in me.

Another Sunday

Today I sat in church. And I was taken away. Not really by the sermon or anything of that sort but more because I let my mind wander. Here I was a week ago, depressed and today I leave church and I am taken away and revitalized. No more nonsense. Not too long ago I wanted to kill my room mate and a week later I am defending him. That is life though. We want everyone to be good people all the time, and if you are a good person you will never screw up. But that is an impossible standard. Our best friends will let us down, our closest neighbors will feel distant. We can not be perfect.

Friends

This one will be short. I always have little mental checks I do to see if I have good friends. Maybe its a stab at insecurity or some other psychological craziness, but yesterday night I realized something. The true test of friendship is the fact that when everything falls apart, they remain a constant. The true friends, are actually quite hard to get rid of.

I think as people we like to line things up and check them off the list as if we are going on a grocery store run. But I think this is a waste of our life. Nothing ever completely lines up. Something always falls and we go to fix it only to see that something else is not quite right, and finally everything falls apart and we wonder what went wrong. That is chaos. This can not be the right way to live. Why would we not just take what we have, and live with those things. Who cares if they line up? Even if you do, its a lost cause because they never will.

Words

Im pretty tired of waking up angry. I am damn tired of being pissed off. But the more I try to start my day fresh the more angry I end up to the point that the end of my day is just miserable. Its probably me and I am just too stubborn to see it. But I really feel a lot of it is lack of communication. No in is saying a word. If they do, they are carefully chosen. We are all tip toeing until someone steps on a mine and by then I dont know what we will be able to salvage.

thought

At some point, I just have to sit back and let things go. I can worry, I can think about things and analyze them but at some point I have to accept that it is not worth it. Anyway, thats all i have for now- c ya lata

Church and Intentions

Its interesting how you do things with a certain intentions, then in the end you realize how something else developed and happened all together. Today, I took some of my friends to a church they had never been to. I did this with a little bit of worry. It never fails that whenever you invite a friend to your church, its that one Sunday where they do everything different and you have to promise your friends that interpretive dance is not their usual style of worship. So anyway, I here I am taking my friends to this church, which I honestly believe is amazing, worrying that they are going to think I am crazy that I actually attend such a place. I had the intention of impressing my friends. What actually happened was that I was sucked back into a life with Jesus.

I wish you the best.

The truth is that I wish you the best. I wake up every day wishing that this is the day that you get to your feet and decided that the burden that you have been carrying for so long is not yours to carry. Its been a while since I have seen a real smile maybe twice in a month, the rest are temporary smiles in an effort to disrupt the complete depression that overcomes whatever experience you are trying to enjoy. You are a kind soul. I do not know how that someone who has been through so much can remain so innocent. No one should have to go through all that you have gone through. But I have yet to meet a person that has the potential to change the world as much as you would like. 

Midnight boat ride

Please do not take what I am about to write as blasphemy or offensive or even what I believe. I was on midnight boat ride Saturday and I started to think. What if this was it? And all of religion did not exist. In other words, there was no afterlife. How would that change the way we live? More importantly, what would matter? It was a rather long boat ride so I truly had time to try and answer the question. Certain things fall to no importance. Money for instance and having wealth are completely a product of society. We are like the Egyptians, we want to be buried with our wealth. The answer to the question is the only thing of value is the ability to attain things that make us happy. That would be the whole purpose of life. Quite frankly I am glad religion exists because, without it we are reduced to a pretty crappy life.

Time for sleep