Unrelenting Change

Wow? Whats this? another post? sure is. get excited.

I have a freakish love for change. I mean when things go haywire and everything in my life changes in an instant – i get pumped. Today is one of those days. I was offered a better place to live though there is absolutely nothing wrong with where I live now. Im stoked simply because of the change but everyone around me is wondering why I would change a thing. I wish I had some deep comment that would explain this, but frankly its just me.

I also have realized that I have a very divided friend base. People are never indifferent about me. They either like me or they dont. Dont know what that means….

Happiness

What is happiness? At some point in our life, we have to find an answer to this question. We start off believing what our parents say it is, then we realize that their happiness fits specifically to them. Then as if we learned nothing from the previous experience, we look to our friends and try to mimic their happiness. This however leaves us worse off, because in all likely circumstances they are doing the same thing to us. I dont know if there is a scientifically standard time period, but at some point something clicks.

My Purpose and its relation to my sanity

FAIR WARNING: this will be a rant- I know me- my mind is in rant mode

So Tonight I sit here. Thinking and reflecting. We have this life in our hands. Some of us, like myself are not spared a thing so that we have the choice to do as we please with it. We are simply teased with these walls we can hide behind and call them obstacles if we choose. Its like when a parent or someone of the sort would give you a dollar as a kid and say don’t spend this all in one place. I think our perception of this story reflects our life. At first, we think we could buy the world with the dollar. That we couldnt spend it all if we tried. As we age we start to believe that we can not even afford a stick of gum. I think I have reached a point in my life where I can look back and start to judge where I have come from and I can say that my childhood was just a rapid bit of growing up. Thats literally all I did. Every experience, every choice, resulted in some way in me growing up that much more. But there came a point where it wasn’t about that anymore. I am not sure what the moment was or even the day but the whole purpose behind everything changed.

The cacoon and the mask

I believe we are faceless beings. More like cacoons, genetically filled with certain ideals and abilities. Worthless really. It is like having a book that no one reads, filled with answers to the most important questions of life. In psycology, I was simply asked what makes us human. And he ranted and gave his own approach but what I saw was a little more personal. Humans have no instincts he preached. I believe it, without a mother a baby would be helpless. Without some other connection to people, a human is not human at all. And with time will probably no longer be living. Morbid sounding, I know. But we are not born into a world completely alone. We are born with others. Well, I was. Our environment shapes a mask that we wear that is a vigorous attempt to let which is in- out. Some are better masks than others. Some so thin, they are bland and vulnerable. Some so thick, (i would find this to be the majority), that its easy to forget or even lose what is inside. I see this through experience more than anything. I have preached that a person can not change who they are. They can not change this cacoon. With every person, friend, girlfriend I have dug. I digg for the inside of who they are. I have to see how much they are holding back. It is inate in me to read people. I would say I do it freakishly well. Like a book I would say. I can see thoughts entering, and see through their mask when it slowly is accepted through that cacoon. Time is a molder. It is the grand sculptor, changing masks ever so subtly or so abruptly that its hard to see down to where people start from. What do they hold at their core? People can not and do not change who they are. I find it most interesting to see some of my friends from highschool come from college and act as if life has been shoved into their heads. It took 12 years for them to get comfortable with who they are and to find that perfect mask to accentuate every detail of themselves,  and in a mere short time period all of which was certain is now in question. The mask is sweating it is so fresh and with little form or efficiency. I since have stopped talking to them, and it would be a lie if I said it was not due to this. But I still talk to a few, mostly two. They came back and expected just as I had. What beautiful masks they wear.