Unrelenting Change

Wow? Whats this? another post? sure is. get excited.

I have a freakish love for change. I mean when things go haywire and everything in my life changes in an instant – i get pumped. Today is one of those days. I was offered a better place to live though there is absolutely nothing wrong with where I live now. Im stoked simply because of the change but everyone around me is wondering why I would change a thing. I wish I had some deep comment that would explain this, but frankly its just me.

I also have realized that I have a very divided friend base. People are never indifferent about me. They either like me or they dont. Dont know what that means….

shipwrecked

Heres an old poem I found that I never got around to publishing-   Shipwrecked
If my life is a vessel,
Then I think this ships goin down.
How I miss my comforts,
How I miss the feel of solid ground. 
I miss how things used to be,
Where I could run away,
And the world would chase after me.
We know its not that way,
Now Cast out the lifeboats,
Just to bring me ashore,
Because the tide will wash away fears
And wash in some more 

Brett Dennen – Ain’t No Reason

There ain’t no reason things are this wayIt’s how they always been and they intend to stayI can’t explain why we live this way, We do it everyday.Preachers on the podium speaking of saintsProphets on the sidewalk begging for changeOld ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my nameI got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the sameA window and a pigeon with a broken wingYou can spend you whole life working for something, Just to have it taken awayPeople walk around pushing back their debtsWearing pay checks like necklaces and braceletsTalking ’bout nothing, not thinking ’bout deathEvery little heartbeat, every little breathPeople walk a tight rope on a razor’s edgeCarrying their hurt and hatred and weaponsIt could be a bomb, or a bullet, or a penOr a thought, or a word, or a sentenceThere ain’t no reason things are this wayIt’s how they always been and they intend to stayI don’t know why I say the things that I say,But I say them anywayBut love will come set me freeLove will come set me free, I do believeLove will come set me free, I know it willLove will come set my free, yes.Prison walls still standing tallSome things never change at allKeep on building prisons, gonna fill them allKeep building bombs, gonna drop them allWorking young fingers bare to the boneBreaking your back, make you sell your soulLike a lung is filled with coal, suffocating slowThe wind blows wild and I may moveBut politicians lie and I am not fooledYou don’t need no reason or a three piece suit, to argue the truthThe air on my skin and the world under my toesSlavery is stitched into the fabric of my clothesChaos and commotion wherever I goLove, I try to followLove will come set me freeLove will come set me free, I do believeLove will come set me free, I know it willLove will come set my free, yes.There ain’t no reason things are this wayIt’s how they always been and they intend to stayI can’t explain why we live this way,We do it everyday.

There are those

I dont know how to explain what I am trying to say. I have a feeling, I have a thought and they are not meshing yet in my head they are so intertwined that it sickens me that I can not just burst into words and tell  you about it.  No cause and effect, one fluid understanding comprised of two. I will just go with my mind, and if it makes sense, wonderful- if not then great. I was at journalism today helping out when I ran into Chase Adams. After goofing off and talking about things that make me glad that I at least went to church today, We started talking about God and church. I asked him if he had ever been to the Oasis church and he said that where he went to school, they are all like the Oasis and he was talking about the movement that was sweeping christianity. It was your typical out with the old -in with the new speech. But the more I listened, that wasn’t the message. It was more of out with the obstacles and in with you. You see at the Oasis I can wear a suit and people would say nice suit and more than likely that person would be wearing blue jeans. Heck the pastor wears blue jeans.  And as I say in service, I was judging him. And I thought some more and I realized no one had criticized me for what I was wearing although I was one of the few that dressed up. Then when I attended their christmas banquet it was a role reversal, everyone else was dressed up. Ironically thats where the difference ends. Because their reaction was the same. They really are a people dedicated to attaining a relationship with Christ. And maybe they are thinking it and just not saying it, but they must hide it well because it is odd to be that well received. Anyway this all made me understand the importance of change. How we try so hard to see whats coming, to plan whats coming. But the most powerful occurances in my life, had little to do with me. If I look back, I see that it was perfectly planned but not by me. Not even close. And that is something I can not understand or is difficult to appreciate. I have to appreciate the randomness and stop trying to hold steadfast to my comfort. It only catches me off guard when I can only see what I want. So I am chalenging myself from this day forward to stop seeing things through only my eyes. That is blind.

mac migration

I have decided to document my life as I move my family over to all apple stuff. To do this I have started a blog at macmigration.wordpress.com

the things I dont want to do

• get in another car for at least 24 hours
• sleep in a room with anyone else
• taco bell
• leave my gf for florida
• watch disney channel
• accept that its going to rain this entire weekend
• sweat
• eat sandwiches
• listen to any maria carey
• listen to christmas music before thanksgiving
• hear anyone replace Christ with an x in Christmas
• write a really long list

privledges

I have a fear which is greater than failure and I noticed it today. Actually until today I considered it to be just an annoyance. I was often annoyed when people were given privileges that they did not deserve. “Ah!” you say. “I Understand” you say. But surely you do not. Because most (I speak on behalf of you because I was once one with this mindset), believe that being more privileged would be a blessing. It is a double edged sword.

For those of you that  actually know me and are not randomly visiting my blog, I am in a wheelchair.

church

I went to church today, and the whole service I spent wondering the rights and wrongs of a church. Then I got to thinking that outside of a few things, that the bible leaves a lot up to interpretation as far as church goes. Oh what a twisted road that saying is. “Up for interpretation.” It is the single phrase that allows people to believe that from a religion standpoint- being gay is ok and living with someone you are not married to is quite ok. What I mean as far as up for interpretation is that the bible lays down a few rules about a church, and we as a Christian people are handed a baton and told to run with it. The more I thought about this the more I realized that a church is a lot like picking your college. So long as it fits some credentials, it an approved and accredited college, it is on the checklist. However, choosing that college has a lot to do with the individual. Not every shoe is made to fit you, nor is every college a good one for you. I feel church is the same way. I have been at a lot of extremes, I have gone to a catholic service, and today I probably would imagine this Sunday being the most relaxed services I have ever attended.

I am constantly at ends with the argument that these churches provide as their backbone. Tradition is the key to success, while others agree it is change. It is odd how those stuck on tradition have been struggling with things for years and despite the yearning for it to change, it stays the same. And how those stuck on change, have a disappointed congregation as soon as things slow down. The copout is to say that they are both right. Indeed they may be but in this life, everybody is not a winner. Which brings me to my second point. I have a problem with two kinds of churches. The first being the doomsday church where this world is in a spiralling whirlwind to hell and when you leave the service feeling like an aweful person and little inspiration to change. The other is what I like to call the happy go lucky church where everything is always going to be ok. I hate to break it to those people, but everything is not going to always be ok. I have days where I feel like I am being torn in every direction, and then looking up and saying that everything is ok. When I get so far off from my moral commitments that I forget who I am, everything is not ok. I struggle with these dramatic differences in church. And to think they are all built around one book. I just wonder how they could be so different at a fundamental level. More to come

knocked up

See the interesting part about morals, right and wrong, and what people say, hardly ever line up.  As perfect as we make people, its hardly the case they are in the right. And morals are only as good as their base.    Really the only thing that remains is right and wrong. In the irony thats the hardest one to see. And really there isnt that binary set up either. Its not either right or wrong its right and then everything else. I know its not really the deep well worded message I normally have- but its what I have.  I have decided that having good judgment is not deciding between right and wrong- its deciding between what is right and everything else. And that life is really about finding out where that line is.

christian

So my girlfriend’s friend got in a car accident, and I was asked by others as well as me asking myself, “why are you going to the hospital? You do not know him.” And I had to stop and think about why it is so hard to conceive about caring for someone you do not know. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was not a matter of if I should, it was more of a matter of it being the way of a christian. Caring about the well being of a person we do not know, is a very fundamental element of being a christian. To reach out to help someone who you know little or nothing about. I was shocked at why, when put in that perspective, why people including myself found helping, to be out of place. I think it has something to do with this world constantly keeping to themselves. I have even caught myself saying “I dont care what they do as long as it does not affect me.” To some extent I see this as just a way of evading change.