“me”

For what seems like a long time, I have been trying to get back to being “me.” sure there are a lot of steps like for instance I tried to determine what being me really meant. Who is this me and why did he leave? I asked my friends or moreso gadged it off of what they said to and about me and it came to this- I’m an asshole that gives good advice. Maybe you would settle for this but I was quite frankly shocked. This marks the longest I have ever been at a school and incidentally the longest I have had friend. They should know me best. So then I started asking, where does what they see and what I think what they should see diverge? What I started to realize is that the divergence happens almost immediatly. Have u ever been told something so many times that you start to believe it or even become it? I have been told 10000000000000x that I’m an asshole. What they meant was that I was acting like an asshole. I settled for that. I tend to say what’s on my mind and speak off the cuff which could come across poorly but I have to believe what is true. Where did “me” go? It was forced out when I settled for who I was sold as.

Unrelenting Change

Wow? Whats this? another post? sure is. get excited.

I have a freakish love for change. I mean when things go haywire and everything in my life changes in an instant – i get pumped. Today is one of those days. I was offered a better place to live though there is absolutely nothing wrong with where I live now. Im stoked simply because of the change but everyone around me is wondering why I would change a thing. I wish I had some deep comment that would explain this, but frankly its just me.

I also have realized that I have a very divided friend base. People are never indifferent about me. They either like me or they dont. Dont know what that means….

The cacoon and the mask

I believe we are faceless beings. More like cacoons, genetically filled with certain ideals and abilities. Worthless really. It is like having a book that no one reads, filled with answers to the most important questions of life. In psycology, I was simply asked what makes us human. And he ranted and gave his own approach but what I saw was a little more personal. Humans have no instincts he preached. I believe it, without a mother a baby would be helpless. Without some other connection to people, a human is not human at all. And with time will probably no longer be living. Morbid sounding, I know. But we are not born into a world completely alone. We are born with others. Well, I was. Our environment shapes a mask that we wear that is a vigorous attempt to let which is in- out. Some are better masks than others. Some so thin, they are bland and vulnerable. Some so thick, (i would find this to be the majority), that its easy to forget or even lose what is inside. I see this through experience more than anything. I have preached that a person can not change who they are. They can not change this cacoon. With every person, friend, girlfriend I have dug. I digg for the inside of who they are. I have to see how much they are holding back. It is inate in me to read people. I would say I do it freakishly well. Like a book I would say. I can see thoughts entering, and see through their mask when it slowly is accepted through that cacoon. Time is a molder. It is the grand sculptor, changing masks ever so subtly or so abruptly that its hard to see down to where people start from. What do they hold at their core? People can not and do not change who they are. I find it most interesting to see some of my friends from highschool come from college and act as if life has been shoved into their heads. It took 12 years for them to get comfortable with who they are and to find that perfect mask to accentuate every detail of themselves,  and in a mere short time period all of which was certain is now in question. The mask is sweating it is so fresh and with little form or efficiency. I since have stopped talking to them, and it would be a lie if I said it was not due to this. But I still talk to a few, mostly two. They came back and expected just as I had. What beautiful masks they wear.