“me”

For what seems like a long time, I have been trying to get back to being “me.” sure there are a lot of steps like for instance I tried to determine what being me really meant. Who is this me and why did he leave? I asked my friends or moreso gadged it off of what they said to and about me and it came to this- I’m an asshole that gives good advice. Maybe you would settle for this but I was quite frankly shocked. This marks the longest I have ever been at a school and incidentally the longest I have had friend. They should know me best. So then I started asking, where does what they see and what I think what they should see diverge? What I started to realize is that the divergence happens almost immediatly. Have u ever been told something so many times that you start to believe it or even become it? I have been told 10000000000000x that I’m an asshole. What they meant was that I was acting like an asshole. I settled for that. I tend to say what’s on my mind and speak off the cuff which could come across poorly but I have to believe what is true. Where did “me” go? It was forced out when I settled for who I was sold as.

Blessed to be Lucky

I am amazed at how well people follow through. Last night at midnight, I was surrounded by my friends cheering a bottle of champagne. I didnt call any of them nor did I expect any of them, but when the hand struck midnight they were all there without so much as a complaint. On your birthday, I think it is nearly impossible to not look back at your life. The truth is that have always been incredibly blessed. I was born in a wheelchair, with very little chance of ever living a long life. Here I am at 22, and  I never felt a bump. People ask me if it is hard being in a wheelchair, and for me I never felt the struggle because of it. I have always had awesome friends and an amazing family that have gone out of their way to make that possible. On days where we recollect, its humbling to come to this realization. Truth be told, someone would be hard pressed to find better friends than mine. They always follow through. always.

Friends

This one will be short. I always have little mental checks I do to see if I have good friends. Maybe its a stab at insecurity or some other psychological craziness, but yesterday night I realized something. The true test of friendship is the fact that when everything falls apart, they remain a constant. The true friends, are actually quite hard to get rid of.

I think as people we like to line things up and check them off the list as if we are going on a grocery store run. But I think this is a waste of our life. Nothing ever completely lines up. Something always falls and we go to fix it only to see that something else is not quite right, and finally everything falls apart and we wonder what went wrong. That is chaos. This can not be the right way to live. Why would we not just take what we have, and live with those things. Who cares if they line up? Even if you do, its a lost cause because they never will.

Words

Im pretty tired of waking up angry. I am damn tired of being pissed off. But the more I try to start my day fresh the more angry I end up to the point that the end of my day is just miserable. Its probably me and I am just too stubborn to see it. But I really feel a lot of it is lack of communication. No in is saying a word. If they do, they are carefully chosen. We are all tip toeing until someone steps on a mine and by then I dont know what we will be able to salvage.

thought

At some point, I just have to sit back and let things go. I can worry, I can think about things and analyze them but at some point I have to accept that it is not worth it. Anyway, thats all i have for now- c ya lata

Midnight boat ride

Please do not take what I am about to write as blasphemy or offensive or even what I believe. I was on midnight boat ride Saturday and I started to think. What if this was it? And all of religion did not exist. In other words, there was no afterlife. How would that change the way we live? More importantly, what would matter? It was a rather long boat ride so I truly had time to try and answer the question. Certain things fall to no importance. Money for instance and having wealth are completely a product of society. We are like the Egyptians, we want to be buried with our wealth. The answer to the question is the only thing of value is the ability to attain things that make us happy. That would be the whole purpose of life. Quite frankly I am glad religion exists because, without it we are reduced to a pretty crappy life.

Time for sleep

friends

Today, let’s talk about people and friendship. I have really struggled with finding where friendships fit. You are who you surround yourself with. I have heard that a million times. But how do you change people? How do you reach those people who you do not want to become? I think I have a good mix. I find it selfish to surround myself with people I know I will get along with. It seems too safe. Well its 1am so I need to go to sleep and maybe ill talk about this later

Unrelenting Change

Wow? Whats this? another post? sure is. get excited.

I have a freakish love for change. I mean when things go haywire and everything in my life changes in an instant – i get pumped. Today is one of those days. I was offered a better place to live though there is absolutely nothing wrong with where I live now. Im stoked simply because of the change but everyone around me is wondering why I would change a thing. I wish I had some deep comment that would explain this, but frankly its just me.

I also have realized that I have a very divided friend base. People are never indifferent about me. They either like me or they dont. Dont know what that means….

Happiness

What is happiness? At some point in our life, we have to find an answer to this question. We start off believing what our parents say it is, then we realize that their happiness fits specifically to them. Then as if we learned nothing from the previous experience, we look to our friends and try to mimic their happiness. This however leaves us worse off, because in all likely circumstances they are doing the same thing to us. I dont know if there is a scientifically standard time period, but at some point something clicks.